Nadiah Alwi

To really be beautiful not just think that you’re beautiful or hear someone say you’re beautiful  once in a blue moon. To be beautiful like everywhere you go people say, “What do you want, beauty?” or “You always look pretty no matter what you wear…” or things like that.

I really want to know. Does it make you feel superior? Or, simply happy about it ‘coz it eases your life, somehow? Or, you wish you look just like other girl? Yeah, right!

And, no, I’m not beautiful. And, yes, I sometimes can look pretty. But, not like the first time people look at me, they would think, “Damn, this girl is pretty!” No. Even if at the end they say, “She’s pretty enough,” it needs like a few minutes before they realize it.

So, don’t laugh or, worse, feel sorry for me for asking the question I currently use as the tittle of this post. ‘Coz, it simply comes out of my curiousity. You know, curiousity kills the cat. If it seems like I’m pointing a gun at my own head by asking the question, well…you see it the wrong way.

Anyone got an answer?

I remember when I was little, I could imagine anything. Just like Barney always says:

Just imagine all the things that we could be / Imagine all the places we could go and see / Imagination’s fun for you and me…

I like all Barney songs. I sing them with my daughter. Too bad, they make me forget that I’m no longer a kid. Kids can imagine anything. Their imagination is limitless. While, as a big girl, my imagination has too many limitations.

Kids still have hopes on what they will find when they grow up. And, I’m a grown up, and I think I know what I won’t find now.

No regret though, simply a silly envy — so silly coz when I was little, I envied grown ups.

No, not really. Well, I guess. Emmm…I doubt it. But, I don’t touch chocolate or anything anymore when I work late at night like I used to.

I gained some weight, I almost don’t have anything proper to put on. Like I have to go to the tailor and make me some clothes — which costs a lot so I prefer to just lose several pounds now.

I don’t know how long it’ll take but hey, I’m a patient person. Extrmely patient.

A friend of mine proposed me a diet program. But, then again…it costs a lot, too. So, for the time being, I skip that one.

Actually, the reason for me not to eat a lot anymore — especially at night — is not simply about fashion. I feel like I’m easily tired, I feel unhealthy. My back hurts. My arm hurts. My head hurts. Everything. I think I just have to pay more attention on what I consume. It’s almost been a week since my last time having red meat. We’ll see if that helps.

Now, it’s late and I have to get some sleep. I’ll be extremely busy tomorrow. Ciao!

I don’t think I have insomnia. I can even sleep a lot earlier. It’s just, I’ve got jobs to do. Well, I have to admit that in between I check out my FB account. I need company and FB seems to be good enough.

When I was younger — a lot younger — I did have insomnia. It was hard for me to get to sleep. I needed either TV or radio to ’sing’ me lullabies.

Now, on the contrary, simply put my head on the pillow, I would be sleeping right away.

I think it has something to do with being ‘older’ — oh, how I hate to use that particular word, any better suggestion on which word to use? I’m about to get to the double number age. I wish it were 22 or even 11. But, no…it’s 33. Old, isn’t it?

My daughter is about to graduate from kindergarten and start her elementary education.  I remember seeing grown ups when I was her age as old people, very old people. They seemed wise and to know everything a ‘lil kid like me didn’t know.

I have to agree on the ‘old’ part, but wise and know everything? I kinda doubt it. I simply know nothing and far from being wise.

Well, let’s stop this being old crap chat. Let’s go back to the main topic, insomnia. And, no, I don’t have it. It’s 1.10 am now and I need to sleep. *Looking at the papers next to me* Well, I’ll take care of it tomorrow and get it done ASAP…get some rest…and start with the other one waiting in line.

However, life is beautiful — wish I could say: it’s perfect, but then it would be a total lie.

Night y’all!