What do you see in him?

In my opinion, husband-and-wife relationship is a very personal matter. You can’t share it with just anyone. In my religion, it’s even better to keep it for yourself.

I have a friend who told me that she regreted telling her marriage problem to another friend of hers. ‘Coz, instead of simply listening — as how she wanted it — the friend judged her.

“What do you see in him? Just leave him.”

My friend was stunned. She didn’t expect such a response.

Is it that easy leaving a marriage? All she wanted was someone to listen to her, to give her a ‘lil bit of empathy.

Oh, dear friend. You shouldn’t have told her about it at the first place. What happen to you and your hubby is your secret to keep. Unless, you can’t help it anymore. But, it’s better to seek some solutions from an expert, for example, or some marriage counselor. Because, you never know how people might react to your story.

And, I told her. “Dear, if ever you get such a question again, make sure you answer it the right way.”

“How?” she asked.

“Say: I see what you don’t see.”

She gets quiet.

It is true, rite? That when you decide to stay in a marriage, there are things that only you can see, that make you survive no matter what. Well, maybe it’s for the kids. Or, maybe, it’s simply him (or her). Something in your spouse that in your eyes still has values.

So, just be careful in telling people about what happen between you and your husband.

Picture by: Brano Hudak, Slovakia

I Love You, Ronnie: The Letters of Ronald Reagan to Nancy Reagan by Nancy Reagan

Reading this book, I learn a lot about how to maintain a relationship, a marriage. Couples must support each other, and be expressive about how each feels to his/her spouse. Knowing that your loved one cares about you so much and think of you a lot helps you survive the relationship, no matter what.

Well, Nancy and Ronnie were so much in love, which is a great base for all relationship. But, they were also able to maintain the love. It’s what more important. Because, many couples start with such a big amount of love but they forget to keep the love alive.

Reading this book, I feel like sending my hubby a letter, the way I used to before we got married. By the way, he kept those letters and handed them to me after we got married. Now, I am the one keeping them all. Men are not good keepers. Well, it’s okay, as long as he keeps his love for me, forever.

Love and Marriage – in my eyes

I agree that you can’t push someone to love another one. Love has to flow, just like that. It’s the fruit of your heart, not your mind.

But, there were times when I used my mind to create love. Weird, isn’t it? But, it worked. Using my mind, I set boundaries on how to love and who to love.

Not easy, I have to admit. But, I could.

Being married for seven years now, I am more sure that love can be created using logical thought.

Somehow, men do it, I guess. In Indonesia, people say that love comes from eyes and goes down to your eyes. What do your eyes see? Beauty. And, your mind starts to say, “Hey, she’s pretty. I like her.” So, it’s a work of mind, isn’t it?

My parents’ marriage, to be honest, was set. It was my parents’ parents who made the decision. Yet, they survive up until now. Also some people I know. It’s not that they don’t have love in their beautiful marriage. But, they started it without love. Love grew after the wedding.

I, thankfully, started my marriage with love. But, during these 7 years, I also have to recharge it again and again to survive. So, my point is, with or without love, it depends on how much you want to make it work.

And, most people depending their marriage simply on love didn’t make it. But, those depending on something else did. For example, those depending on the commitment, not only to their spouse but also to God, to Allah. And, from the way I see it, marriage is not only a commitment with another human being, but also with your creature. If it were only with another person, why don’t you just live together, there is no big difference anyway — in terms of what your heart says, if you know what I mean.

To be honest, the boundaries I talked about previously had been set by my family. At first, I felt burdened. But, after thinking about them all carefully, I understood their points. And, I didn’t want to lose them by ignoring those boundaries — yes, there were chances that I might lose them if I did. It was a win-win solution for both them and me that I decided to go with those boundaries. Thankfully, I met someone that I could fall in love with. Someone within the boundaries. I guess, to fall in love, you have to let yourself fall in love.

And, let’s just admit it, sometimes, marriage — especially  in my country, it’s not only between two persons. It takes a whole bunch of big family — although now it not as big as some years ago, which included some extended family, now mostly only your nuclear family. So, I wouldn’t be happy if I couldn’t include my family on my happiest day a.k.a wedding day. So, yes, I wanted my family, too.

Why suddenly do I talk about love and marriage? I just feel like it. Hm…ok, I admit it. I have just seen a possibility that someone I know might be ignoring boundaries set by his/her family. She/he looks happy. But, I was wondering how her/his parents would react if they knew it.

I know, it’s none of my business. That’s why I didn’t say a thing to either of them and decided to just let go of my agony on that matter here, at my own blog a.k.a home.

Normally, writing would heal. Let’s see if this one does.