Nadiah Alwi

It hurts so bad, I would cry all day long. But, crying can’t change anything — although it does make me feel a lot better. I simply have to keep on living, forgetting it, pretending that it never existed.

When I was younger, I dared to dream. I had lots of it. And, most came true. Lucky, aren’t I?

But now, life seems to give me a chance to understand itself better. As if it wanted to say that what you went through was too easy. Let’s got to the real part.

I can’t tell how I deal with it. How I go through it all, what I learn from it all. I simply still don’t know.

It’ a process. And, it includes forgetting a dream — or at least not to think of when it will finally come true, if it will.

So, I’m letting go of this particular dream. And, maybe also other dreams. Don’t know yet.

It’s only 1 day away from my birthday. My 32nd now.

I don’t know how I should see this birthday. I don’t even know what to do on that particular day. Should I hold a party — a small one, only family included? Or, should I simply give myself a me-time? Or, I’ll just let it go by?

Well, I have prepared some kind of a celebration at my online store. And, I guess my online life would be pretty hectic that day — thanks to facebook.

Yet, I’m talking about my offline life — I can’t say ‘real’ life ‘coz anyhow my online life is in a way as real or even more real than my offline life.

I was thinking about having this contemplation time just like th eold time when I was early 20. However, at that time, I was comtemplating about what would I become.

Now,  I don’t know yet what I would become. But, I’m not searching anymore.

Well, let’s see if I can think of something excited for me to do on that special day. I doubt it though. I have a feeling it will just go by, it will just be the same as other ordinary days. So what if it is?